FIOFAFI Archive

Regular indoor football, sport and other activity for working adults in Singapore

Humour

One of Rajseran’s first posts after he was added as an author was “Jokes To Share”, posted on 19 January 2009. He said:

Hi Everyone

Please share your Jokes on this Thread . Those who are stressed , are always welcome to visit this Thread for a little Laugh 🙂 and i shall start first.

As that post gets more difficult to find as time passes, I’ve added this sub-page here.

Add your jokes, or anything humorous, below to lighten up the day.

Doesn’t matter if they’re silly or corny, right Rajseran? 🙂

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90 Responses to “Humour”

  1. rajseran said

    BE SURE FIRST BEFORE YOU SAY ALL OUT

    Mr Lee goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
    waving at him.

    She says hello.

    He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her
    from. So he says, “Do you know me?”

    To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my
    kids.”

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
    unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper
    from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with
    all my NS buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with
    wet celery???”

    She smiled demurely as she replies, “Erm… no, I’m your
    son’s form teacher!”

  2. rajseran said

    PRESIDENT BUSH VISIT TO SCHOOL

    Once president BUSH went to a school. After have a brief talk with the children he asked them if they had any questions to ask him.

    One boy raised his hand and stood up.
    Bush: what’s your name?
    John: John
    Bush: what’s your question?
    John: sir I have three questions
    1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
    2) Where is Osama?
    3) Why do America support Pakistan so much?

    Bush: you are an intelligent student john… (Just then the bell for recess rang).
    Oh dear students we will continue after the recess is over.

    After the recess;
    Bush: ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any question?
    Peter raises his hand
    Bush: What’s your name?
    Peter: Sir, I have 5 questions.
    1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
    2) Where is Osama?
    3) Why do America support Pakistan so much?
    4) Why did the recess bell ring 20 mins before the scheduled time?
    5) Where is JOHN?

  3. […] on Week Ending 22 February 2009rajiv on Impromptu Mini-Tournament Tomorrowyaseen on Humouryaseen on Humouryaseen on Humouryaseen on Humouryaseen on HumourMan-U-El on Schedule: Week Of 2 […]

  4. rajiv said

    The sub-page has been renamed as “Humour” to cover funny true stories as well.

  5. […] would not be complete without the man behind “Jokes To Share”, which led to the “Humour” sub-page – Rajseran.  As he put it Hi […]

  6. rajseran said

    A man walks into a bar and sees a man with a tiny head about the size of an orange.

    He asks the bartender what had happened to the man.

    The bartender says, “Well, he was on a beach and saw a beautiful mermaid.”

    “The mermaid swam up to him and offered him a single wish.”

    Unfortunatly, the man replied “How about a little head?”

  7. rajseran said

    One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

    But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn’t care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

    Soon comes a little girl that asks “Sir, what’s under the newspaper?”

    The man replies with “it’s a birdy and never ever touch it.”

    He soon falls asleep.

    Later on when he wakes up, he’s in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

    Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said “well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it’s neck, stepped on it’s eggs, and burned it’s nest

  8. rajseran said

    There were three guys at a bar.

    One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.

    The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas “Shit if she doesnt like the necklace she’ll love the trip” he said.

    So the buisness man said “That’s nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn’t like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. ”

    As the biker finished his drink he said “For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. If she didn’t like the t-shirt she can go F herself

  9. rajiv said

    Rajseran, canvassing votes for the FIOFAFI Joker poll I see. 🙂

  10. rajseran said

    Hahah i dont need votes , i have volunteered this before and will continue doing so .

    Do i get a Joker Hat for that ? 🙂

  11. rajiv said

    I’m sure that can be arranged. 🙂

  12. rajseran said

    MARRIAGE TROUBLE
    Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
    Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
    Girl: Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.

    Skin and Bones
    Diner: Waiter, look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.
    Waiter: What else do u want, feathers?
    Diner: I can’t eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
    Waiter: It’s no use. He won’t eat it either.
    Diner: You’ll drive me to my grave!
    Waiter: Well, you don’t expect to walk there, do you?

    Free From Cholesterol
    Banta Singh rushed back angrily to the grocery shop from where he had purchased a packet of butter a few minutes ago.
    “Where is my free gift?” he shouted at the shopkeeper.

    “But Sir, there is no free gift on the purchase of butter.” The shopkeeper answered politely.
    “Don’t fool me,” replied Banta, “It is clearly written on the packet of the butter ‘Cholesterol free'”.

    Sign on motorway garage:

    PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

    DisneyLand
    One day, 2 Ah Bengs were driving to Disneyland.
    As they passed through Anaheim, they saw a sign on the freeway that said Disneyland Left.
    So they turned around and went home

    Broke Window
    A new prisoner comes to a prison cell.
    Convicts: What has happened with you that you are here?
    Prisoner: I have broken a window on my job place.
    Convicts: It’s unbelievable! Where did you work?
    Prisoner: On a submarine

    Sign in the Dark
    Silvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
    Dad: I think so. What do you want me to write?
    Silvia: Your name on this report card.

    The Music
    Musician: Is the music sweet?
    Boy: It’s more or less like the one which my father plays.
    Musician: Is your father a musician?
    Boy: No, he’s a carpenter.

    Thief For Thief
    One day as a husband was having his tea at home, his wife complained to him . . .
    Wife: You know dear, our new washerwoman stole two of our towels. That crook!
    Husband: Which towels dear?
    Wife: The ones we stole from the hotel in Miami Beach.

    Honesty
    Teacher: What excuse have you got for being late?
    John: (breathlessly) I ran so fast, teacher, that I didn’t have time to think of one

    How Can I?
    Wife: Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don’t you do that?
    Husband: How can I? I don’t even know her.

    Taking Doubles
    Once a fat man stepped on to a weighing machine. He put a ten-cent coin into the slot. Out came a card with the printed words,” One by one, please.”

    Drive Me Back
    Taxi Driver: That will be 80 cents please, Madam.
    Lady: I have only 50 cents. Can you drive me back a little?

    Egypt
    Son: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
    Father: No. Why do you ask that?
    Son: Well, where did you get mummy then?

    Absence
    Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
    Johnny: Because of absence.
    Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
    Johnny: No, but the kid who sits next to me was

    Delayed Hamburger
    A customer went to snack bar and ordered a hamburger.
    When 20 minutes had gone and his food hadn’t arrived, the irritated customer asked the waiter.
    Customer: Will my hamburger be long?
    Waiter: No, sir…it will be round.

    DADDY’S LAP
    Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
    Mom: You have done the right thing.
    Son: But I was sitting on daddy’s lap

  13. rajseran said

    JOKE 1

    There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

    Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

    “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

    “I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

  14. rajseran said

    JOKE 2

    Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

    “Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”

    “That’s all fine” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

  15. rajseran said

    FINALE JOKE

    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

    However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

    “My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek

  16. rajseran said

    Joke 1 :

    A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

    For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much. “The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

  17. rajseran said

    oke 2:

    Jokes…..

    An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?” The father [never having seen an elevator] responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

    While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

    The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, “Go get your mother.”

  18. rajseran said

    LAst Joke of the day

    One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars,” the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?” “Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.” Looking annoyed the man says, “That’s still too expensive!” “Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20.” “Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.” “Well,” says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.” “Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”

  19. yaseen said

    CAKE OR BED

    A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
    FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

    HONEY,
    COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
    IT’S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

    HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
    FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
    DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
    ENERGEX WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
    I DON’T THINK SO.

    FINE,

    THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
    WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
    IT WON’T CLOSE RIGHT

    TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
    FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
    DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
    WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
    I DON’T THINK SO

    FINE, SHE SAYS
    THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
    TO THE FRONT DOOR?
    THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

    I’M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON’T
    WANT TO FIX STEPS
    HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
    BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
    I DON’T THINK SO
    I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
    I’M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

    SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
    COUPLE OF HOURS…………….

    HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
    HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
    TO GO HOME

    AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
    THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

    AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
    HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

    AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
    THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

    HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW’D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
    SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
    OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

    JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
    WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

    HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
    ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
    GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

    HE SAID,
    SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

    SHE REPLIED,
    HELLOOOOO..
    DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
    ON MY FOREHEAD?
    I DON’T THINK SO!

  20. yaseen said

    Surgeon’s Preference

    Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. It was an interesting conversation.

    * The first surgeon said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
    * The second replied, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
    * The third added, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
    * The fourth one boasted, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”
    * Fifth surgeon said, “I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”

  21. yaseen said

    A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom… so the man stands up to let her out.

    She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

    She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

    The man, a little tired of jumping up so often…asks her: “You keep sneezing, what’s the problem?”

    The woman replies: “I have a rare condition…every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

    He says, “Oh… what are you taking for it?”

    She says: “Pepper.”

  22. yaseen said

    An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini – “I want to feel your breasts” he exclaimed.

    “Get away from me, you crazy old man” she replied.

    “I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars,” he says.

    “Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!”

    “I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS” he stated.

    “NO! Get away from me!”

    “TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS” he offered.

    She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, “I said NO!”

    “FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts,” he exclaimed.

    She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough… and $500 IS a lot of money… “Well, OK… but only for a minute.”

    She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel… then he started saying, “OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD…” while he was caressing them.

    Out of curiosity, she asked him, “Why do you keep saying, ‘Oh my god, oh my god’?”

    While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, “OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?”

  23. yaseen said

    Superman’s had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for some fun. So Friday afternoon, he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to see if they’re up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him down on account of prior commitments, and Superman is pretty ticked. As he’s flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach.

    “Hey,” he thinks, “I’m Superman and I don’t need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie, and fly away before she knows what happened.”

    So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.

    Wonder Woman says, “What the hell was that?”

    The Invisible Man says, “I don’t know but it hurt like hell.”

  24. yaseen said

    A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”

    The small guy faints!

    The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”

    The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

    The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”

    The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.

  25. yaseen said

    A woman went to her priest with a problem. “Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?’ ”

    “That’s terrible!” exclaimed the priest. “But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

    The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?”

    One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed “Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!”

  26. yaseen said

    A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

    The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

    The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

    • rajseran said

      When The Bishop got Burried, The NUN got so angry that she started using all the words she could ever imagine on the Donkey , the following day , The paper Headline – NUN’s ASS Got Screwed 🙂 .

  27. yaseen said

    One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, ”Jesus is watching you!”while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, ”Who said that?!” Once again he heard the same thing, ”Jesus is watching you!”

    The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, ”Cornelius.” The robber said, ”What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!” The parrot said, ”The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!”

  28. Henrik Larsson said

    Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
    When leaving the room, she said, “Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.”
    He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
    Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?”
    The secretary, who was quite witty replied, “Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”

  29. Henrik Larsson said

    Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl’s house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says “See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can’t have one!”
    The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling “Nah na nah na nah”.
    The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. “See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can’t have them!”
    Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says “You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can’t go buy you one!”
    The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl “Well, what do you have to say NOW?”
    So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says “My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!”

  30. Henrik Larsson said

    On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”
    The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. “Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled, she asks, “My picture?”
    He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever.”
    She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
    He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”
    At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture.”
    He beams and asks, “Why?” She answers, “So I can get it enlarged.

  31. Henrik Larsson said

    A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
    The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
    The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
    The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
    The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

  32. Henrik Larsson said

    One day, John decided to invite over his mother for dinner with him and his roommate, Julie. Julie made a great dinner, but John’s mother started to suspect more than friendship. The next day, Julie told John that the soup ladle was missing. This is the letter he wrote to his mother:

    Dear Ma,
    I’m not saying you did take the soup ladle, but I’m not saying you didn’t. But the fact remains, It’s missing.
    Love,
    John

    This was her response…

    Dear John,
    I’m not saying you did sleep with Julie, But I’m not saying you didn’t. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found it by now.
    Love,
    Mom

  33. Henrik Larsson said

    This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, “Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn’t quite ready for bye-byes yet.”
    The wife takes the hint and says, “OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.” So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
    Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone “Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?”
    No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
    Her husband looks over and grunts “Clumsy bitch.”

  34. Henrik Larsson said

    Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
    “I froze to death,” says the second.
    “That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”
    “It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”
    “I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.” The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.
    “What do you mean?” asks the first man.
    “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

  35. Yaseen said

    Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
    The nine-year-old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
    Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
    The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
    The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?”
    The nine year old says, “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
    The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother?”
    The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”

  36. rajseran said

    On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

    When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

    Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

    The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”

  37. rajseran said

    A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

    The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

    The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

  38. rajseran said

    An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

    A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

    “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”

  39. rajseran said

    Air Force One crashes
    Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man’s tractor.

    “Sir,” the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

    “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”

    “Yep. Sure did.” The man muttered unconcernedly.

    “Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?”

    “Yep.”

    “Were there any survivors?” the agent gasped.

    “Nope. They’s all kilt straight out.” The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. “I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.”

    “The President of the United States is dead?” The agent gulped in disbelief.

    “Well,” the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. “He kept a-saying he wasn’t … but you know what a liar he is

  40. rajseran said

    Blonde at school

    Day1:
    A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,”We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
    Mum replies: “yes dear”

    Day 2:
    “We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
    Mum replies: “yes dear”

    Day 3:
    “We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I’m a 36DD. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
    Mum replies: “No dear, it’s because your 25.

  41. rajseran said

    Best Negotiator.

    Customer: “How much is that banana for?”
    Salesperson: “$1.00”
    Customer: “Can you sell it to me for 60 cents?”
    Salesperson: “At that rate, you’ll only get the banana peel!”
    Customer: “Okay… I’ll buy the banana for 40 cents, but you can keep the peel!”

  42. rajseran said

    Learn Chinese in 5 minutes!!

    OK read the English meaning and then “OUT LOUD” say the Chinese words…

    (You MUST read them out loud or it doesn’t make as much sense)…

    1) That’s not right……………………………… Sum Ting Wong

    2) Are you harboring a fugitive………………. Hu Yu Hai Ding

    3) See me ASAP…………………………………… Kum Hia Nao

    4) Stupid Man……………………………………… Dum Fuk

    5) Small horse…………………………………. Tai Ni Po Ni

    6) Did you go to the beach?………………….. Wai Yu So Tan

    7) I bumped in to a coffee table……….. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

    8) I think you need a face lift…………………. Chin Tu Fat

    9) It’s very dark in here………………………… Wao So Dim

    10) I thought you were on a diet…………… Wai Yu Mun Ching

    11) This is a tow away zone………………….. No Pah King

    12) staying out of sight………………………… Lei Ying Lo

    13) He’s cleaning his automobile……………. Wa Shing Ka

    14) Your body odor is offensive……………… Yu Stin Ki Pu

    15) Great………………………………………….. Fa Kin Su Pah

  43. rajseran said

    One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.
    ”You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.”

  44. rajseran said

    In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth — if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first.
    “I think I’m the smartest woman on earth.”

    “POOF!” She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.p>”I think I’m the prettiest woman on earth.”

    “POOF!” She disappears. The blonde goes up.

    “I think–”

    “POOF!”

  45. rajseran said

    Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says “If you can count all my sheep I’ll let you have any one you want.” The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, “You have 356 sheep.” The farmer exclaims, “Wow — you’re exactly right. I guess blondes really aren’t dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep.”
    The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. “Oh no,” he says, “you can’t have that one.” “Why not?” asks the blonde, “you said I could have any sheep I wanted.” And the farmer says, “Ma’am, that’s my dog.”

  46. rajseran said

    A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her.
    The man in the car says to her, ”What do you have in the bag?”

    The blonde replies: ”I have chickens!”

    The man thinks for a moment and says, ”If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?”

    The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, ”Okay, but I’ll make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you BOTH of them!”

  47. rajseran said

    Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
    She can’t find the eleven.

  48. rajseran said

    A brunette was jumping along railroad tracks, saying, “21, 21, 21.” A blonde comes along and starts doing the same thing. They hear a train and the brunette jumps off, but the blonde keeps jumping. The blonde gets hit and dies. After the train leaves, the brunette jumps back on saying this time, “22, 22, 22….”

  49. rajseran said

    Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband’s car?
    She burned her lips on the tailpipe!

  50. rajseran said

    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
    The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    “You’re finished already?” he asked.

    “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

    “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

  51. yaseen said

    1. You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

    2. When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

    3. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying.”

    4. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” “Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”

    5. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

    6. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

    7. A young son asked, “Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”

    8. Then there was a woman who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.”

    9. Just think, if it wasn’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

    10. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.

  52. yaseen said

    Three married men died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter asked each one of them, how many times they have cheated their wives.

    First Man: Never!

    St. Peter checked his book and gave him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.

    Second Man: Aah, about 25-30 times.

    St. Peter gave him a Ford Pinto.

    Third Man: Maybe, 400-500 times.

    St. Peter gave him a bicycle.

    A few months later, the three met up . The Pinto driver and the bicycle rider were surprised as they noticed the Rolls-Royce man was very sad.

    Second and Third Men: Why the sad face?

    First Man: I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!

  53. yaseen said

    An asian guy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol.

    After a couple of beers, the guy sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the guy crashed down from his stool, fallen by a vicious hook from the director.

    Picking himself up, he yelled, “Wat da hell is dat por?”

    Spielberg ranted: “That’s for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!”

    #@@!!##! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Pilifino!” exclaimed the Pinoy.

    The inebriated director replied, “Yeah yeah yeah…Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino …you’re all the same!”

    Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants, straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B from the bartender.

    After a few sips, the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick, sending the director flying halfway across the room. “What was that for?!!” shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet away.

    “Dat’s por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat ship!” the Pinoy answered back.

    “You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by
    an iceberg!” exclaimed the director.

    “Yah yah yah…Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg… you are also all the same!”

  54. yaseen said

    A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students.

    As it was the first day, she gave her intro and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.

    She said, “Let’s start with the boys.”

    Boys start giving their intro…

    First boy: “My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.”

    Teacher was confused to listen but said, “Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it’s ok John. Yes next.”

    Second boy: “Myself Joseph and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.”

    Teacher now got surprised and said, “Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next.”

    Third boy: “I’m Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.”

    Teacher: “Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next.”

    This continues, and the last boy stands up “I’m Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.”

    Exhausted, the teacher said, “I don’t think
    I will be able to teach ungrown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please.”

    First girl: “I’m Julie and my hobby is to see birds.”

    Teacher “Good. At last I got something different. Ok next.”

    Second girl: “I’m Ruby and I like to collect perfumes.”

    Teacher “Now it’s like educated grown up girls. Ok next.

    “You sweet girl….Yes you.”

    Most beautiful girl of the class: “Ma’m, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day.”

  55. yaseen said

    A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

    Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

    Boy: “Dark in here.”
    Man: “Yes it is.”
    Boy: “I have a baseball.”
    Man: “That’s nice.”
    Boy: “Want to buy it?”
    Man: “No, thanks.”
    Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
    Man: “OK, how much?”
    Boy: “$250.”

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

    Boy: “Dark in here.”
    Man: “Yes, it is.”
    Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
    Man: “How much?”
    Boy: “$750.”
    Man: “Fine.”

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball.” The boy says, “I can’t.

    I sold them.”

    The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” The son says, “$1,000.”

    The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

    They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy Sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

    The boy says, “Dark in here.”

    The priest says, “Don’t start that s**t again”

  56. yaseen said

    There is a Bar in Calumpang who have has a a Horse and they have a contest of it. Whoever will make the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free drinks.

    So a man from Manila comes in and the Bartender looks at him and he ask for a beer and he ask the Bartender about the contest.

    The Bartender tells him that whoever makes the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free beer on the house.

    So this guy whisper something to the horse and the horse rolls over and laughing!!!

    EEEEEEeeeeeeehhhh!!!

    He takes the P5,000 from the Bartender, drinks a lot of beer.

    As he is about to leave the Bartender ask him, “Will you be back tomorrow when we’ll have a new contest?” The guy replies” Of course this is easier money than my career.”

    So the next night. The guy walks into the Bar with a large smile and reads the sign next to the Horse:

    Whoever makes the Horse cry will win P10,000 and free beer from the house. The Bartender tells the guy,” Let me see you win this one.”

    The guy approaches the Horse and shows him something. The Horse starts rolling on the ground and crying.

    When the guy goes to claim his prize. The Bartender says. ” Before I pay you, You have to tell me what you did to the horse?”

    The guy lights a cigarette and says,” Easy the first time, I told the Horse that my penis is larger than his, the second time I showed him “.

  57. yaseen said

    Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any chance of contact, which could happen pretty easily, since he had been desperate for quite a while.

    Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of her night table, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.

    “Awww, honey, you’re so depressed. Here, take this & go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight. Remember, this happens only this once. OK?” The husband can’t believe his ears, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

    A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife & says dejectedly, “Crystal says this is not enough, she wants eighty.” The wife’s face slowly turns red with anger,

    “Why that damn bitch! When she was pregnant & her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty.”

  58. Yaseen said

    Kuttappan is an Indian. Kuttappan was bragging to his Boss one day, “You know….. I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone important, and I’m sure I will know them. Tired of his boasting, his Boss called his bluff, “OK, Kuttappan, how about Tom Cruise?” Kuttappan replies “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Kuttappan and his Boss fly out to Hollywood and knock, on Tom Cruise’s door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts,” Hey Kutz!! Great to see you! You and your friend must come in and join me for lunch!” They have a blast of a time. Katie Holmes even personally packs 2 sets of Masala Dosas, which is of course specially made by their South Indian chef. They bid each other farewell.

    Although impressed, Kuttappan’s Boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Kuttappan that he thinks Kuttappan’s knowing Cruise was just lucky. Kuttappan says “No, no, you go ahead and just name anyone else.” “President Bush!” his Boss quickly retorts. Kuttappan says “Yes, OK, but I am telling you I don’t like him very much, he is very cunning, anyway let’s fly out to Washington .” And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Kuttappan on the tour and motions him and his Boss over, saying, “Kuttans! What a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting. The CIA just informed me Osama is heading for the Pakistan Border, Hey Kuttans, are you still on speaking terms with Osama, maybe you could confirm the information for me? Oh never mind! You and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.” Well, the Boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

    After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Kuttappan who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope!” his Boss replies. “Sure! This I like, I’ve been meaning to see him, he is not keeping too well y’know” says Kuttappan. “And I have a lot of friends in Vatican ; it’s like my second home! And me and the Pope go back a long way, surely this will be a good trip” So off they fly to Rome . Kuttappan and his Boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Kuttappan says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” The Boss shakes his head unbelievably and says “Yeah right!!” Still so, Kuttappan disappears into the crowd, headed towards the Vatican . Sure enough, half an hour later Kuttappan emerges with the Pope on the balcony, waves to the crowds with the Pope and takes leave.

    But by the time Kuttappan returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Walking his way to his Boss’ side, Kuttappan asks him, “What happened?” His Boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, and “Who’s that on the balcony with Kuttappan???

    MORAL OF THE STORY- Don’t underestimate an Indian !!! 🙂

  59. rajseran said

    OK , i am gonna write this my own .

    Four Guys went up to the roof of Swissotel Building . One was a Chinese , the other was a Malay followed by an American and the last but not the least was a Sikh ( the man with a turban) . Four of them were bragging abt their manhood when the MAlay man decided to challenge them .

    ” lets roll your manhood and see which floor window you can hit “said the malay man .

    All agreed and ofcourse the Malay Guy rolled his first . It went all the way down and hit the 49th floor window from the roof ( take note that the highest floor was only 52 )

    The Chinese tried and managed to hit the 50th floor ( not surprise 🙂 )

    The american tried and hit the 30th Floor window and then came next the Sikh man – Gurcharan Singh.

    He rolled his and seconds later started moving side ways , back and front .

    Looking at this everyone asked , Hi Singh What is happening?

    GUrcharan Singh replied – THERE IS A MASSIVE JAM DOWN THERE 🙂

    NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A BHAI 🙂

  60. Of course it's me said

    An Indian goes to a whorehouse and says in a loud voice: “Who wants to service me? You will never meet another client like me. What I can give you is special. I am The Special One!”

    The whores are curious but no-one takes up his offer, as they all have their regulars. Finally, one of the new ones gets persuaded to service the Indian fella and she takes him upstairs to a room.

    After a while, the Indian comes. And after another while, the Indian comes out of the room with a smile on his face. He walks off and the young hooker soon emerges from the room.

    Her hooker friends gather around her and ask her about the Indian man.

    “How was it?”, asks one. “How is he special?”, asks another.

    The young hooker says: “It was OK. The only difference is he will pay in 180 days”.

    Never be surprised by an Indian.

  61. sbobet said

    Dad at the Mall

    I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
    The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
    My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
    When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’
    Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

    ‘Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.’

  62. rajseran said

    Try this…….. .> GolfCalculator:

    > Don’t tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway -but the GolfMan will know!

    > YOUR AGE BY GolfMATH
    > This is pretty neat.

    > DON’T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
    > It takes less than a minute ..
    > Work this out as you read .
    > Be sure you don’t read the bottom until you’ve worked it out!
    > This is not one of those waste of time things, it’s fun.

    > 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to play golf(more than once but less than 10)

    > 2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

    > 3. Add 5

    > 4. Multiply it by 50 — I’ll wait while you get the calculator

    > 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 …
    > If you haven’t, add 1758.

    > 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

    > You should have a three digit number

    > The first digit of this was your original number
    > (I.e., how many times you want to play golfeach week).

    > The next two numbers are

    > YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

    > THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

  63. Boris said

    heh.. that’s pretty cool lol..

  64. Yaseen said

    The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know
    anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

    “OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the
    prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
    prisoner in the prison.

    And then they made love for the first time.

    Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

    Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

    Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

    After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
    the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
    a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

    The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
    born foal.

    Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

    She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

    Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence,
    OKAY!

  65. Yaseen said

    101 Ways To Annoy People
    1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

    2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”

    3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

    4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”

    5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

    6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

    7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

    8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

    9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

    10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

    11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

    12. Sniffle incessantly.

    13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

    14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

    16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

    17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

    18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

    19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

    20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

    21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

    22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

    23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

    24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

    25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

    26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

    27. Wear a special hip holster for your
    remote control.

    28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

    29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

    30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

    31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

    32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

    33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

    34. Drum on every available surface.

    35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

    36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

    37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

    38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
    into peoples backpacks.

    39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

    40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

    41. Set alarms for random times.

    42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

    43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

    44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

    45. Honk and wave to strangers.

    46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

    47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

    48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

    49. Wear your pants backwards.

    50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

    51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

    52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

    53. only type in lowercase.

    54. dont use any punctuation either

    55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

    56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

    57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

    58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

    59. Write "X – BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

    60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

    61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

    62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

    63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

    64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

    65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

    66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

    67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

    68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

    69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

    70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

    71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

    72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

    73. Drive half a block.

    74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

    75. Ask people what gender they are.

    76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

    77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

    78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

    79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

    80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

    81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

    82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

    83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

    84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

    85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

    86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

    87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

    88. Sing along at the opera.

    89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

    90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

    91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

    92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

    93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
    about "psychological profiles."

    94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

    95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

    96. Never make eye contact.

    97. Never break eye contact.

    98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

    99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

    100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

    101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

  66. Yaseen said

    ABC’s of ex girlfriends
    A
    is for Arteries.
    You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

    B
    is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

    C
    is for Call ya later.She won’t. She never has before.

    D
    is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

    E
    is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said “I’m not hungry” so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

    F
    is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

    G
    is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

    H
    is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

    I
    stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

    J
    stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn’t Jim have a nice car ? Doesn’t Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

    K
    stands for Kill.

    L
    is for Love. It’s a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

    L
    is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

    M
    stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

    N
    stands for Necropheliac. She didn’t move very much, did she?

    O
    is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

    P
    is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

    Q
    is for Quitter. She couldn’t last.

    R
    is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

    S
    stands for Suffer. That’s what she made me do.

    T
    is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

    U
    is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

    V
    is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

    W
    stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

    X
    is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

    Y
    stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

    Z
    stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled “QUICK! They’re home!”

    .
    stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won’t get any for a week.

  67. Yaseen said

    Advantages Of Being A Woman
    Why it’s better to be a Woman!

    1. We got off the Titanic first.

    2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

    3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

    4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

    5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

    6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

    7. Taxis stop for us.

    8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

    9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

    10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).

    11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.

    12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay.

    13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

    14. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

    15. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

    16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

    17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

    18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

    19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

    20. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.

    21. We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

    22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

    23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

    24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.

    25. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

    26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

    27. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

    28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

    29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

    30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

  68. Yaseen said

    The Tiger
    A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

    The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

    The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”

    “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

    “Tiger Woods.”

    “Tiger Woods, the golfer?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

    The husband and wife then make passionate love.

    When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

    “What are you doing?” asks the wife.

    The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”

    “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

    “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

    “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

    When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.

    The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”

    “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

    “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

    “He’d come back to bed and do it again.”

    The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

    When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

    The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

    “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”

  69. Yaseen said

    Labour Pains
    A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father.

    He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

    But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

    The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

    The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

    She and her husband were ecstatic.

    When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

  70. Yaseen said

    Off to Vegas
    A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

    ‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.

    ‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

    ‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

    ‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.

    The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year!’

  71. Yaseen said

    Daughters are curious~~~
    A little girl walks into her parents’ bathroom and notices for the First time, her father’s nakedness.

    Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn’t have. She asks, “What are those round things hanging there, daddy?”

    Proudly, he replies, “Those, sweetheart, are God’s Apples of Life.

    Without them we wouldn’t be here.”

    Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

    To which mommy asks, “Did he say anything about the dead branch they’re hanging from?”

  72. Yaseen said

    what women would do if they had a penis for a day
    10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

    9. Get a blow job.

    8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

    7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

    6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently.

    5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

    4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

    3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

    2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

    1. Repeat number 9……

  73. Yaseen said

    Monkey Organization
    An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

    Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

    The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

    The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

  74. Yaseen said

    Jesus and the Robber
    One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you!” while he rumagged through the desk.

    He replied, “Who said that?!”

    Once again he heard the same thing, “Jesus is watching you!”

    The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, “Cornelius.”

    The robber said, “What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!”

    The parrot said, “The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!”

  75. Yaseen said

    The Hunting Dog
    Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, “I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren’t any ducks out there, I’m not going hunting.”

    So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, “Well I’m not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.”

    Earl says, “You’re going to take the dog’s barks for the truth?” Earl doesn’t believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, “I don’t believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!”

    Chester says, “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.”

    So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it’s mouth and starts humping Earl’s leg.

    Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, “This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!”

    The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

    The breeder says, “Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!”

  76. Yaseen said

    Wittle Wabbit
    A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?”

    And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks: “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”

    The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: “I don’t fink my pyfon really giveths a thit.”

  77. Yaseen said

    Clever Doggie
    A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”

    The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

    So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.

    Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.

    The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on.

    The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

    They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

    There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

    The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

    The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!”

    To which the guy responds, “Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

  78. Yaseen said

    Two Cannibals
    Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

    Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, “Ooh dad, there’s one.” “No,” said the father. “There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait.”

    Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, “Hey dad, he’s plenty big enough.” “No,” the father said. “We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait.”

    About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

    The son said, “Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her.”

    “No,” said the father. “We’ll not eat her either.”

    “Why not?” asked the son.

    “Because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother.”

  79. Yaseen said

    Needs
    Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

    But then the wife stops and says, “I don’ t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”

    The husband says ” WHAT???” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

    The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

    So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We ‘ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

    And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

    The husband says “but you don ‘t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.’

    The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says ” I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. ”

    The husband says, ” no no no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife face goes blank.

    ” No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

    Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says ” You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!”

  80. rajiv said

    I’ve created a Jokes Board on the GIFFA Message Board.

  81. […] “Jokes – For Rajseran and Yaseen“. […]

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